She Wants Great Sex, or Why She Doesn’t Want to Sleep With You

I hear that, for men, sex is like pizza—even bad pizza is pretty good. For women… not so much. Most women I know would rather have no sex than bad sex. But you’re so sure she would really like it with you. What could she be thinking?

You don’t actually have a right to know what her reasons are for saying no. However, if it’s really bothering you, here are a couple of reasons why she might not want to have sex with you right now. Any one of these is enough to stop the car.

Note: if you can’t get past the first couple of bullets, remind yourself that “no” means just that and get over wanting an explanation.

It might be physical.
It’s an awesome ride, but it’s not just an amusement park down there. She might cover with the old “I have a headache” line. Let it go. The truth may be yucky:

·         She has an upset “stomach”. Like the Pepto Bismol commercial, this could mean a range of things, from gas to the trots. She doesn’t want anything bouncing on her right now. She’s probably embarrassed about this, and doesn’t want to explain or give details, because she still wants you to think she’s sexy. Always.

·         She’s menstruating.You say you don’t mind? Maybe she does. Her hormones are at a nadir, she feels messy, you’re not going to go down on her, and she ends up having to clean it all up afterwards because it’s “her” period. You feel evolved and mature about not minding “her” period, but she didn’t want the period, and she doesn’t want sex.

·         She’s pregnant. At certain times in the pregnancy, she’s worn out or huge or uncomfortable. At other times, she’ll jump you as you come in the door. Pregnancy isn’t easy. Take what you can get.

·         She had a baby recently. After six weeks, the doctor tells her she can have sex. That means that medically, the tearing and cuts have healed and the risk of infection is past. This doesn’t mean she wants to have sex. Go ahead, plead your case, I know it’s been a while. Make her feel desired, because she sure doesn’t feel attractive when she looks in the mirror. But let her take her time. She’ll come around.

·         She’s tired. She’s just tired. Can’t you see that she’s tired?

·         She has a yeast infection. Leave her the fuck alone.

Or it might be mental.
For her, good sex is not all physical. She needs to be in the mood. Even if the above physical things don’t apply, there are equally valid reasons why now is not the time:

·         She’s taken. Or at least her heart is. I don’t know the nature of your relationship with this woman, but if there isn’t one, it might be that she already has a guy, or has one in mind that she’s zeroing in on.

·         She’s gay. Yeah, sorry, this is very unlikely, given the small percentage of gay women in the general population, but if that’s what you need to salve your ego, fine, it’s a remote possibility. It goes back to the wanting good sex, and to her, good sex involves her girlfriend.

·         She’s saving it for marriage. That happens. Not to anyone I know; my friends generally believe in the scientific method. But it’s possible.

·         She doesn’t think you’re good in bed. She wants great sex. Bad sex is a waste of her time. I don’t know how she made the decision that you would be bad in bed. Maybe you dance badly, or not at all. You’re completely self-centered. Your idea of foreplay is telling her that you have a boner. You’re drunk. You’re out of shape. You don’t smell sexy. Your clothes are sloppy. You made a disparaging joke about her favorite kink. Maybe she’s wrong, but she’s made her call. Move along.

So there you have it. Maybe it’s her. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s just something she ate. However, if this is your spouse or partner, and you’ve crossed out everything in the above list, maybe she’s just not aroused. She needs to warm up to the idea. It’s time to get sexy, my friend. You know what I’m talking about.